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Twitter: Where Language Comes to Die

January 25, 2010

I heard about people “quittering” Twitter a few months ago and rejoiced. Of course Twitter would breed such a smugly self-referential term, but I can forgive that because it’s in reference to Twitter becoming passe. (How it ever came to pass in the first place is still a matter of confusion to me.)

But last night at dinner, I began to worry that a lot of people still really care about Twitter and that perhaps its death isn’t quite as imminent as “quittering” had implied. The conversation was earnestly, even raptly, begun with this question: “Do you guys use any Twitter platforms? Tweetdeck? Tweetie?” This question came from someone whose job (PRing a majorly plush hotel) requires her to tweet twice a day. No offence to the lovely girl, but who wants to read twice daily 140 letter updates about a hotel?

I can only conclude that the answer would be: “people that use Twitter.”

Ok, now I’ll come to it. I loathe Twitter. Here’s why.

“Nothing hurts more than being slagged off by the star of “Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins Ball”. #kickcancer”

“Some Great Recent Journalism: You have few better guides than Jim Fallows. http://bit.ly/4tMtVc”

Vinnie Jones – not only a twat, but pays the women who clean for him two dollars an hour. #kickcancer

These are just three random tweets on my profile (Yes, I have one). This dreary dreary heap of media-tagged thoughts, from the utterly mundane to the political, are impotent and tiresome, never able to get off the ground because Twitter works off the mistaken assumption lots of little snacks throughout the day is better than three good meals. These aren’t even healthy little snacks- they’re not carefully skewered organic chicken satays, or multi-level smoked salmon rolls. They’re kernels of stale popcorn, rolos ground into the cinema floor, bits of brocolli you’re hucking from between your two front teeth.

I know, I’m missing all the brilliance of gangster warfare via Twitter (this has been a big deal in New York), and groundswells of outrage by the People- including popstars – at Important Events in the News. I just can’t help but feel that if you’ve got something to say, put in the newspaper, or your blog, or Facebook…and if all you’ve got to say is “tweet” then do you really need to bother? Exactly.

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