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I slept with someone the other night who said he couldn’t perform when wearing a condom. So we did it unprotected – he didn’t seem dodgy. I quite like him- he’s asked me out since. But should I hate him? Should I hate myself?

January 22, 2011

A lot of women – surprisingly sensible ones at that – allow unprotected sex to happen because a condom is either unavailable or undesirable. But I think that when a man makes excuses about condoms such as the performance one, or complains it’s uncomfortable, it’s a sign that he is both foolish and hopelessly selfish. My advice and instinct would be to write him off as that, and move on. What he is doing – and let’s not mince our words – is putting his penile preference before your safety, health and peace of mind. Remember, there is no reason you should be expected to “trust” him – how are you to know for sure who he has slept with unprotected and who they have slept with?

You say he’s asked you out since and you like him. If you really think he’s not foolish and selfish, and you plan to see each other regularly, then I hope he’s got an appointment at the STD clinic scheduled for a full array of tests (yes, even the uncomfortable ones, like Chlamydia). And you too, of course.

If you’re not at this stage, then have a deep think. It’s not new that condoms aren’t the best for feeling, but plenty of men can function with them fine. It’s a matter of saying: “I will wear one” or “I do wear them” rather than “Do I have to?” or “I guess we can try”. The latter two never works, the first do work. The stalemate is this: no condoms, no sex. Don’t “try” to stick to this, do stick to it. Frankly, to have to even be in a position to insist on this is beneath an adult woman – but so that you don’t suffer that agonising anxiety following unprotected sex (we’ve all been there), please do it. It may at least force him to approach latex with a more determined attitude.

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